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Sunday, July 23, 2023

Write

Well my daily 5 am wake up and coffee. Today is my Friday and Rachel's Sunday.

This weekend I wanna work on the house as usual.. Maybe some light switches and stuff.

Still recovering from anal psoriasis which sucks, but I'm getting better with light therapy and kimchi.

Think I'm gonna change the URL for the Psoriasux website right now.. It's hard to think about business sometimes but my daily writing needs to keep happening and that's why I'm here this morning.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

When Your Voice Saved Me

July 2013 Golden Valley, Arizona
July 2013 On our way to pay a visit at grandma's in Las Vegas. We stop to get some gas when I turned to Hazen and told him about the time his voice saved me.
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It was the day that his mom Mary, wanted us to see the house she rented in the mountains and we drove up separately to go see it.

As she introduced me to the house, she mentioned that she and Hazen could take the upstairs room, while I took the downstairs room and I could put my drum set somewhere in the living room.

We had been sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of months since I told her of my infidelities and addiction to meth. As Hazen played in the house we go out back for a smoke.

She turns to me and says "you shouldn't treat people like that man". Tears well up as I tell her that "I know" and don't remember if I apologized or not.

After the smoke I said that I'd meet her down the hill to figure out what stuff we were gonna start moving.

I'm alone in the empty house and light up a bowl of herb. I look out the back door window and scream FUUUUUUUCCCKK! Because I knew that I regrettably betrayed someone that I truly loved and she should have never deserved that from me at all.

I lock up the house and head down the hill. As I'm headed towards the last big turn I see above the horizon and wonder how all this pain could be over by launching that little white Neon and instantly disappear.

I step on the gas and as soon as I did, I heard his little voice. My son's five year old voice said "I love you daddy".

I let up on the gas as tears roll down my face. Making the turn I head back home..
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Pulling up to the pump to get some gas I jump out and begin the wait to fill up my Ram 1500.

I look in the cab at Hazen with tears welled up in his eyes and I knew that my son really does love his daddy.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Coffee and Cigarettes

Headed downstairs for some coffee, automatically assuming that his mom had already made some.

As he pours himself a cup, the aroma reminds him of a time when everything seemed simple and safe.

He remembers when his grandparents had coffee early in the morning, while his dad and mom were already gone to work.

Living at grandma's house in Waipahu were grand times for Dean. His cousins would come over every week and including the neighbors, there was no shortage of kids to play with.

"Hey Deanie? You like some coffee?"

Grandpa Johnny's smile reminded Dean sort of a Filipino Clark Gable, or maybe it was how his eyes smiled too.

Grandpa pours some coffee into a cup and adds some cream and sugar, making it taste so great.

Grandpa lights up a cigarette and mixed with the smell of coffee, always brings back memories of home on the island.

But then so does the sun on his face and salty ocean breezes, or even wet asphalt after a fresh rain.

Hawaii in 1975 was warm and peaceful. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, going to church, potlucks and family get togethers seemed endless.

You could see little five year old kids running around and playing the streets with no parents around at all.

Dean remembers an earlier time in Ewa, when he and his cousin Lonnie, led by uncle Abel who was about 10 at the time. Would travel to a nearby school to play basketball and ride skateboards.

"They made us run on foot behind them and finally ride the skateboards when we got to the school", Dean recalls.

Dean and Lonnie rode around on the skateboards with one knee and pushed the ground with the other foot, occasionally trying to stand and ride at times. Only to find that the ground is really hard when you slam into it.

Ewa Beach is where Dean's grandparents on his dad's side lived. They were more carefree when it came to babysitting kids.

"My grandparents in Ewa were avid SDA's who didn't eat pork, smoke, drink alcohol and we couldn't go swimming during the Sabbath, even if we were having potluck on the beach! Man that was a rip.."

"I learned at an early age, that there are benefits to living all over the place."

"If I wanted carefree unsupervised fun I can have it.. and if I wanted to swim on Sabbath or eat pork, I could do that too!"

"It was always just a matter of where and when.."

Waipahu


Back in Waipahu, Dean had a Japanese neighbor named Jason.

Jason taught Dean how to ride Jason's bike.

"It was a yellow Schwinn, with a banana seat and brakes when you pushed backwards on the pedals", Dean remembers clearly.

"We took turns riding that bike every chance I had".

"I remember the first time I got on that thing, I was scared and excited at the same time".

"Jason helped me balance the bike until I got enough momentum to ride on my own. The funny part is that I don't recall ever falling off the thing, even though I probably did".

"It was amazing when I was able to ride that yellow Schwinn on my own, I felt like I could do anything!"

Life in 1975 wasn't all good times either, but you have to take the good with the bad.

And sometimes it feels like they can be one in the same..

See what the smell of coffee can do?

Add some cigarette smoke and see what happens!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Reset

July 18, 2005

It was the day my wife Mary died.

People around me seemed like they were scurrying around in slow motion.

We were getting updates every hour or so from the detectives on how she was killed.

My son Hazen could hear everything.

My five year old little boy, with no tears, no worries, no realization of what death is about.

Looking at my son, my heart aching for him.. his mother is dead.

Hazen says to me in is soft little voice in pure confidence.. "it's okay daddy, mommy will reset".

Inside of me I just fall apart..

Instantly pulling the pieces of my heart together, I tell him the situation is different than the video games he played with his mother.

He doesn't understand..

RESET

Now let's fast forward nine years to this very moment.

Right now I am in the process of moving to another State.

As I pack and move things around the thought of RESETTING, comes back to mind.

Why?

Because that is what I am doing right now.

I am getting rid of the things that I immediately cannot use.

My personal effects are dwindling away.

And I am resetting my life.

I was remarried in 2008 to my second wife Shianne.

That didn't work out so we divorced in 2013.

Now almost a year later, I am finally leveling out.

I know that all I need to do now is simplify my life and keep taking care of my son.

I am able to properly grieve over Mary and Shianne in my own way and my own time.

Being alone helps, but it also hurts.

I luckily have my son Hazen to keep me busy.

But I sometimes wonder how it's gonna be when he's finally on his own.

Will I be like a Samurai with no purpose?

Or will I have something else to fight for.

At this point I really don't know.

All but..

"RESET"

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Seasons

time the most cherished
always slips away

to fool yourself
is to say there are
no regrets

words spoken
have been said before

to simply live
is good
and good enough

wanting more
is unsettling

enjoying less
is rewarding

the one's I love
and leave behind
my gift to you
is this

just be you
and love it

find joy in now
whatever that may be

if I see you again
we'll count ourselves lucky

let's laugh and live once more