Write

Well my daily 5 am wake up and coffee. Today is my Friday and Rachel's Sunday.

This weekend I wanna work on the house as usual.. Maybe some light switches and stuff.

Still recovering from anal psoriasis which sucks, but I'm getting better with light therapy and kimchi.

Think I'm gonna change the URL for the Psoriasux website right now.. It's hard to think about business sometimes but my daily writing needs to keep happening and that's why I'm here this morning.

When Your Voice Saved Me

July 2013 Golden Valley, Arizona

July 2013 On our way to pay a visit at grandma's in Las Vegas. We stop to get some gas when I turned to Hazen and told him about the time his voice saved me.
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It was the day that his mom Mary, wanted us to see the house she rented in the mountains and we drove up separately to go see it.

As she introduced me to the house, she mentioned that she and Hazen could take the upstairs room, while I took the downstairs room and I could put my drum set somewhere in the living room.

We had been sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of months since I told her of my infidelities and addiction to meth. As Hazen played in the house we go out back for a smoke.

She turns to me and says "you shouldn't treat people like that man". Tears well up as I tell her that "I know" and don't remember if I apologized or not.

After the smoke I said that I'd meet her down the hill to figure out what stuff we were gonna start moving.

I'm alone in the empty house and light up a bowl of herb. I look out the back door window and scream FUUUUUUUCCCKK! Because I knew that I regrettably betrayed someone that I truly loved and she should have never deserved that from me at all.

I lock up the house and head down the hill. As I'm headed towards the last big turn I see above the horizon and wonder how all this pain could be over by launching that little white Neon and instantly disappear.

I step on the gas and as soon as I did, I heard his little voice. My son's five year old voice said "I love you daddy".

I let up on the gas as tears roll down my face. Making the turn I head back home..
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Pulling up to the pump to get some gas I jump out and begin the wait to fill up my Ram 1500.

I look in the cab at Hazen with tears welled up in his eyes and I knew that my son really does love his daddy.

Coffee and Cigarettes

Headed downstairs for some coffee, automatically assuming that his mom had already made some.

As he pours himself a cup, the aroma reminds him of a time when everything seemed simple and safe.

He remembers when his grandparents had coffee early in the morning, while his dad and mom were already gone to work.

Living at grandma's house in Waipahu were grand times for Dean. His cousins would come over every week and including the neighbors, there was no shortage of kids to play with.

"Hey Deanie? You like some coffee?"

Grandpa Johnny's smile reminded Dean sort of a Filipino Clark Gable, or maybe it was how his eyes smiled too.

Grandpa pours some coffee into a cup and adds some cream and sugar, making it taste so great.

Grandpa lights up a cigarette and mixed with the smell of coffee, always brings back memories of home on the island.

But then so does the sun on his face and salty ocean breezes, or even wet asphalt after a fresh rain.

Hawaii in 1975 was warm and peaceful. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, going to church, potlucks and family get togethers seemed endless.

You could see little five year old kids running around and playing the streets with no parents around at all.

Dean remembers an earlier time in Ewa, when he and his cousin Lonnie, led by uncle Abel who was about 10 at the time. Would travel to a nearby school to play basketball and ride skateboards.

"They made us run on foot behind them and finally ride the skateboards when we got to the school", Dean recalls.

Dean and Lonnie rode around on the skateboards with one knee and pushed the ground with the other foot, occasionally trying to stand and ride at times. Only to find that the ground is really hard when you slam into it.

Ewa Beach is where Dean's grandparents on his dad's side lived. They were more carefree when it came to babysitting kids.

"My grandparents in Ewa were avid SDA's who didn't eat pork, smoke, drink alcohol and we couldn't go swimming during the Sabbath, even if we were having potluck on the beach! Man that was a rip.."

"I learned at an early age, that there are benefits to living all over the place."

"If I wanted carefree unsupervised fun I can have it.. and if I wanted to swim on Sabbath or eat pork, I could do that too!"

"It was always just a matter of where and when.."

Waipahu

Back in Waipahu, Dean had a Japanese neighbor named Jason.

Jason taught Dean how to ride Jason's bike.

"It was a yellow Schwinn, with a banana seat and brakes when you pushed backwards on the pedals", Dean remembers clearly.

"We took turns riding that bike every chance I had".

"I remember the first time I got on that thing, I was scared and excited at the same time".

"Jason helped me balance the bike until I got enough momentum to ride on my own. The funny part is that I don't recall ever falling off the thing, even though I probably did".

"It was amazing when I was able to ride that yellow Schwinn on my own, I felt like I could do anything!"

Life in 1975 wasn't all good times either, but you have to take the good with the bad.

And sometimes it feels like they can be one in the same..

See what the smell of coffee can do?

Add some cigarette smoke and see what happens!

Reset

July 18, 2005

It was the day my wife Mary died.

People around me seemed like they were scurrying around in slow motion.

We were getting updates every hour or so from the detectives on how she was killed.

My son Hazen could hear everything.

My five year old little boy, with no tears, no worries, no realization of what death is about.

Looking at my son, my heart aching for him.. his mother is dead.

Hazen says to me in is soft little voice in pure confidence.. "it's okay daddy, mommy will reset".

Inside of me I just fall apart..

Instantly pulling the pieces of my heart together, I tell him the situation is different than the video games he played with his mother.

He doesn't understand..

RESET

Now let's fast forward nine years to this very moment.

Right now I am in the process of moving to another State.

As I pack and move things around the thought of RESETTING, comes back to mind.

Why?

Because that is what I am doing right now.

I am getting rid of the things that I immediately cannot use.

My personal effects are dwindling away.

And I am resetting my life.

I was remarried in 2008 to my second wife Shianne.

That didn't work out so we divorced in 2013.

Now almost a year later, I am finally leveling out.

I know that all I need to do now is simplify my life and keep taking care of my son.

I am able to properly grieve over Mary and Shianne in my own way and my own time.

Being alone helps, but it also hurts.

I luckily have my son Hazen to keep me busy.

But I sometimes wonder how it's gonna be when he's finally on his own.

Will I be like a Samurai with no purpose?

Or will I have something else to fight for.

At this point I really don't know.

All but..

"RESET"

Seasons

time the most cherished
always slips away

to fool yourself
is to say there are
no regrets

words spoken
have been said before

to simply live
is good
and good enough

wanting more
is unsettling

enjoying less
is rewarding

the one's I love
and leave behind
my gift to you
is this

just be you
and love it

find joy in now
whatever that may be

if I see you again
we'll count ourselves lucky

let's laugh and live once more

Edwards Mansion 1983

Another 1st Place winner at the Academy 1983

Scratch Board 1983

Won 1st place at Loma Linda Academy for this Scratch Board work..

Moving Out

Rolled Up The Driveway and Saw This..

So yeah, looks like the end is near and time to prepare for a new beginning..

Hoo fuckin' rah!

P.S. I'm really sad right now.. I grew up in this house since 1977.. oh well :'(

Grandkids

Left to Right from Top is Mark, Glen, Guy, Greg, Davin
Lance, Francine, Grandma, X, Grandpa, Gary, Grant
Me next to Francine
Bottom from Left is Jonathan, Allyn, Christopher, Sydney, Anthony

Dean & Shianne

2005 - 2012

To Be Or Not

But first..

Mathilda May from movie "Lifeforce"

so..

Back in 86' I hated God for the umpteenth time as normal 16 year olds do.

So I asked him, why should I believe in you?

Especially when there's so much bullshit in this world that you can prevent, but won't!

So he said, to love me is to know me..

I asked him then how do I know who you are?

Then he made me list everything about himself.

• Light
• Love
• Righteousness
• Existence
• etc.

And then he told me to recognize the opposite of himself..

• Darkness
• Hate
• Sin
• Nothingness
• etc.

So for years, I went on to believe that God was separate from the opposite of himself.

Until..

Mandelbrot Set

 He told me.. what if Existence and Nothingness were ONE?

I said how?

He said "the cross"

This is the place where Eternal Life and Damnation has intersected and become one.

Because Christ, who is One with the Father - descended into hell upon death.

Christ who is One with Life also became one with Death, the Nothingness and complete opposite of what God the Father is.

In essence Existence is Nothing, like Life is Death.

I can honestly say that I love and hate God.

And I believe that's the way he wants it to be.

Confusion Illusion

Is it better to randomly punch people in the face?

Or go out in a blaze of glory?

Who fuckin' knows right?

Who fuckin' cares..

I look at my past and see many beautiful things mixed with some very terrible things.

And it only reminds me of the Yin Yang pullin' on my thang.

Sometimes life just don't make no fuckin' sense at all, yet the journey still has some kind of meaning.

I do know that my relationship with love and hate will always be endless.

And my passion for curiosity takes me to places where my memory won't ever let go.

Doubt, fear and violence can sometimes feel to be a good mix.

But when you know that you won't go there, is when aggravation gets under your skin.

Restlessness breeds anger, while actions don't do enough..

Can my God lead me to peace?

Can my demons suffice my emptiness?

My hunger for death is dead.

And it seems like there's no other purpose.

To live because you love is living?

To not be yourself for fear of losing.

Sacrifice is nothing.

Mother earth won't remember you at all.

Our blood spilled has no meaning.

In recklessness I fall.

Is it luck to get up again?

Here in the middle is everything and nothing.

Just let it be over and over again..

As I punch you in the face!

@ LAX 6AM

My dad is going to the Philippines via ANA, but when we get their, park the car and start checking in - they tell us that United took the flight and now we gotta walk to the other end of the airport. NICE ;-)

Mom

Picked up my mom yesterday at the Greyhound bus station.

From the picture above, it really looks like we have the same eyes.

I really miss her when she's not here. So when she is, it's really great to spend the time we (Hazen and I) have with her.

As I get older, I realize more and more everyday how important it is to ENJOY the time you have with the people you love.

I just wanna thank God for my mom and her dedication of love.

I can see where my tenacity for handling forgiveness comes from. We share many things on how life is, it's probably because she primarily raised me at 13 after the divorce.

My step father Jim did a lot to help too and I thank God for him and my dad Eleazer for that.

I see that everyone tries in their own way and in their own time.

The past is done, the future not yet and all we have is NOW to fully embrace.

Helping When You Hate

Woke up this morning and the (coffee maker "must clean" this damn thing is on) right?

Great.. I just want coffee. Not go through a round of multiple cleanings first.

So a brilliant idea pops into my head.

"When you walk Hazen to the bus stop, go get coffee around the corner fast food joint".

Yay, problem solved.. And delay the coffee maker cleaning to boot.

After breakfast and my beloved coffee, I head out the door.

On the sidewalk I see this dude who looks homeless.

I'm thinking, I should've walked the other way around like I first suggested to myself, but it's too late now.

I walk by this guy and say "how's it goin?" WRONG QUESTION..

Because he speedily answers back with "could be better if I had somethin' to eat".

CRAP!

I turn and look at this dude with the same look I give just before I punch you in the face and say.. "I don't have any cash on me.."

Then he says "don't need no cash just need a burrito".

I'm like.. Really?

So I'm standing there looking at him and looking back at the door that I just came out of.

I look at him again with the I'm gonna punch you in the face look and about face into the building that I just left.

He follows me in and I'm like, man - I really don't wanna do this right now.

I get up to the cashier and she notices me from earlier on.. "can I help you sir?"

"Can I get a burrito like I did earlier" I asked.

"Sure" she said, while looking at me and the half drunk dude behind me.

I can hear his smell and some mumbling about some coupon he's got in his pocket.

I tell em' "it's cool, don't need the coupon".

She hands me back my card and thanks me, then looks at me like "gee you're a really good guy".

Even though I didn't feel like it at that moment. I'm always sure that things happen for a reason.

I tell her (to "just give it to him", as she keeps looking at me like that) - when I turn around.

He tells me "God bless you brother" as I hand him the receipt.

I said "you too" and quickly head for the door.

Now I don't know what to make of anything until later on in life. Because I tend to shoot first and ask questions later.

But I do know that I just did another thing on the list that equates to..

1. Waking up early for a job, that you hate going to
2. Saying thank you after some really shitty service
3. Doing nothing, when people cut you off on the road

Either way, I guess, it's supposed to make you feel good or whatever.

To be honest, I'm just glad it's over and if I burn in hell for not feeling grateful about it.

Then I'll visit you in your heaven from my hell when that day comes.. ;-)

My Brother Daniel

It's 1975 and we've already gave him a name.

I've already prepared myself for the coming of my long awaited baby brother.

Thoughts of playing together and growing up, rehearsed through my mind.

Then the day came to pick him up with my mother from the hospital.

And as my mom rolled up in a wheelchair, she looked different.

I took a step back, as my dad motioned and said to me, to "go see your mom".

I went to her and asked where's Daniel?

The tears rolling down her face spoke more than a thousand words.

And I knew that I would probably grow up alone.

So yeah..

My heart gets heavy every time I hear the song Daniel by Elton John.

And even though I bank on the forever after.

Memories of loss never seem to go away

Kikaida in the 70's

Today I am going through stuff that I wanna keep or throw away when I came across my Kikaida DVD Collection that my aunty Charmaine gave me awhile back. Definitely a keeper..

Just the opening song alone brings back childhood memories of Hawaii.

It's funny how things are a lot different than you remembered them to be. When I first saw Kikaida it was totally off the hook. But when you see it now, it's like whoah...

The way it was back then is what counts though. Carefree times of childhood is always some of the best, with no responsibilities and just the love of your family is just enough.

Writing at 5am

Trying out this getting up and writing at 5am thing.

It's supposed to help me write and begin a regimen of writing.

I also cooked some eggs and oatmeal with coffee for breakfast too.

That way I can start doing the 6 meal a day program also.

Man I'm tired.. Probably cause I fell asleep at around 12:30 or so.

The sun should be comin up over the horizon in a few minutes. Think I'll get out and walk outside to check that out.

Got lots of things to do today.. and I don't know where to start.. I guess this is a good place to begin at the moment.

I'll need to refine my list of things to do as I go along. But I think that this 5am writing thing is gonna be a good thing.

Becoming a Giveaway Artist.. Hmmm?

Don't know much about making a living as a giveaway artist, but some immediate benefits are pretty clear.

Bren Bataclan Giveaway Artist of Cambridge

What is a giveaway artist?

A giveaway artist is an artist who creates artwork and simply gives it away.

They are driven by some purpose, whether it be to make people happy as with the case of artist Bren Bataclan of Cambridge. He has created artwork that can be taken into homes for free, as well as free murals for everyone to see.

The benefits of being a giveaway artist are immediate. Artwork given away in such a fashion is instantly inspiring to the artist and to the person receiving the art.

If you paint a mural at a school for instance, you can have the children there contribute to the artwork and be a part of a piece that can last a lifetime. Thus raising self-esteem for kids and contributing to growing communities!

Like I said earlier, I don't know much about making a living giving away artwork, but there is definitely something to be gained that goes well beyond any monetary value.

Last Day at Motel 6

Today is my last day working for Motel 6..

Now I’m getting ready to move out of State to either Nevada, Arizona or Arkansas.

Too many opportunities ahead, it’s just a matter of picking one and running with it.

I’m confused but hopeful